THE BEGINNING OF THERAPY AND MEDICATION: It is real now.

THE BEGINNING OF THERAPY AND MEDICATION: It is real now.  No going back.

At the assessment appointment, they asked a lot of questions: do you hear voices? Have you ever believed yourself to have special powers?  Do you feel like your thoughts are being broadcast to the world?  And many many other standard questions.  It lasted about an hour, which is all my nerves could take.  They suggested a mix of therapy and medication.  I reluctantly agreed to both. My first attempts at therapy were not very good.  I didn’t know how to talk about my problems and sat there awkwardly wishing I was anywhere else.  I started emailing my therapist because it was easier for me to communicate through writing.  I had time to think about what I wanted to say, and when my therapy sessions came around, I had something to discuss.  The psychiatrist started me on low doses of medication for anxiety as well as Risperdal, a common antipsychotic drug that would hopefully help with the spirits.  It seemed to lessen the intensity of the voices, but ultimately didn’t stop them.  My case was unusual in that I had remained so functional despite having voices pretty much constantly throughout my life.  I had graduated high school, completed 5 years of University to get my Bachelors of Science, and had held a normal social life, including a boyfriend.  Speaking of the boyfriend, one thing he said really stuck with me.  I told him about the spirits when I was about 19 (one of two people I actually did tell) and he said “it is scary how you talk about them like they are real”.  To me, they were very real and it was one of the first times I had even considered them to be not real.  You sort of assume everyone has experiences like this.  It wasn’t something I ever told my parents about either so when I did finally bring it up with them, they were very shocked and surprised (but very supportive).  I didn’t want to tell them, but because I had started on medication, I thought it would be good to tell a few of the closest people to me.  More about that later though. 

The spirits were still harassing me.  I had about 3 that mainly hung around:  Ivan, who I already mentioned, was the dominant one.  Little Fish was a little boy, maybe around 4 years old, who didn’t talk much but got scared easily and would tag along wherever I went, and Betha.  Betha was a strong force of good.  She would give me confidence and say “you got this!”  and other motivational sentiments.  She wasn’t around all the time like Ivan, but I didn’t mind her when she was there, even though her voice was distracting.  Ivan still was constantly trying to make me die so I would be a spirit like him.  He convinced me one time that I could strangle myself with a belt, and I tried very hard to make that happen, but it didn’t work.  He was lonely.  The spirits that talked to me were unaware of each other, so I guess spirits live a solitary eternal life. 

At one point, a new spirit showed up.  The medication had not been working so well and I found myself feeling very hopeless, confused, and afraid.  I wasn’t finding enjoyment in life, I was struggling to remain as upbeat as possible, but the truth was that I had entered a deep depression.  This new spirit was bad energy.  He would say over again “I want you to bleed.  I want you to die”.  His name was Alister.  He never really said much more than that.  I was in a very weak state of mind when he showed up.  So weak that the spirits were wearing me down and I started to have serious thoughts of self-harm and suicide.  I was desperate for relief from the voices telling me to die.  I had started taking Lithium as well as the antipsychotic and antianxiety in the hopes that it might help (but it is more geared towards Bipolar and mood stabilization).  At this point, we were trying anything.