ASKING FOR HELP: Do I really want to talk about this with other people?

ASKING FOR HELP: Do I really want to talk about this with other people?

After Frederick there were others (there is a story here as to how Frederick ended up leaving my mind, but that’s for later if anyone is interested).  Ivan became the dominant spirit a few years ago right after Tim and I moved to San Diego.  Ivan was not as mean as Frederick but he could still say nasty things to me.  He wanted me to die so that I could be a spirit like him.  He once almost convinced me to climb on to the roof of a building and dance around during a lightning storm.  I again tried to reach out for help, even though the thought of that made me very unsettled.  Once I say something, there is no going back.  No un-saying it.  I had done some research online for where I could go for help and came across a program called C.A.R.E. (Cognitive Assessment and Risk Evaluation) which is a program offered through USCD Health.  They specialize in psychotic disorders and offer therapy, support groups, and research.   It seemed like a good place to start so I emailed them.  I heard back quickly saying to call back the next day and ask for so-and-so.  Now, most people who know me know that I have a stupid irrational fear of phones and calling people.  Not only was I already nervous about talking about my experiences, but now I had to CALL them too?  I wasn’t sure I could do it.  But I was desperate and so the next day I called.  Wouldn’t it be my luck that so-and-so had called out that day and wasn’t there!  Saved again.  Now for the second time I tried to get help and something came up that prevented it.  I saw it as a sign from the universe that maybe I shouldn’t talk about this at all.  I was worried that it would open some sort of Pandora’s box.  They offered to take a message for me.  I didn’t leave one.  Later in the week so-and-so reached out to me (I can’t remember if by phone or email) but whatever it was, yet again I had changed my mind about discussing the spirits.   I was also afraid I could lose my job if they found out.  I worked with children and there is a lot of stigma about people with psychotic disorders, and I was afraid people would think I was dangerous or unpredictable or unreliable.  Or maybe there is some policy about it.  I then figured it best keep that knowledge to myself. 

A couple of years went by and in the meantime I struggled to keep my mind away from the voices of the spirits.  I used to think of brick walls, something no spirit could break through.  They could read my thoughts so I had no privacy.  They were always watching.  Other people could also read my thoughts.  It was as if my whole brain was being broadcast out to the world on a loudspeaker.  Brick walls were the only things that would give me relief from the paranoia.  I also had found that I dissociated a lot from the real world. There were times that I hardly remembered doing things because it didn’t feel like I, Lindsay, was in control of things. 

By this time, I was working at the Living Coast Discovery Center.  When I first started there, the Center was having some huge financial difficulties and was almost about to close its doors to the public.  I took a chance and stuck with the Center.  It was stressful, but we managed to raise enough money in one month (our deadline) to keep the doors open.  It was a major relief and victory for us.  What came next?  Time to plan a seasonal exhibit.  We settled on a theme of Splash of Color and was all about the different ways that animals use color to communicate, find a mate, or camouflage.  I worked 12 hours straight for a month with little time to rest setting up the exhibit.  After the grand opening, I started being harassed by the spirits again in a major way.  The seasonal opened in March, and by June I could hardly function.  My mind was constantly being distracted by the voices.  I was experiencing visual hallucinations that everything around me was made of cardboard and it wasn’t real (hence I wasn’t real either) and those thoughts caused a lot of anxiety and I would shake I was so scared of not coming out of a cardboard episode and it would be that way forever.   I was worried people would start to notice at work.  I had to reach out for help once and for all.  So back to my email (calling was too scary).  I emailed CARE again and this time I did not give up.  My email was answered almost immediately and an assessment was scheduled for the following week.  I admitted that I was very nervous but I received kind and comforting words back.  I could do this.