Hello again,
I always think this blog is going to be completed one day but it just seems like there's always more to say. It's been many years since I last posted, but I won't go into details about everything that's happened in that time frame. I will say that there have been ups and downs. I was hospitalized in 2024 at Sharp Grossmont and after I got released from there I swore it was the last time I would ever go to a hospital voluntarily. I wanted to put everything behind me. Forget about my diagnosis, move on with my life. But that didn't happen.
I got a great job working with birds at Avian Behavior Conservancy in Escondido in August of 2025. I was the education and programs coordinator. I finally felt like I was getting my life together, a good grown-up job with benefits and good pay. I loved it. Who doesn't want to free fly an Andean Condor through the hills and valleys near the ranch?! Or free fly owls! And parrots! It was really a dream job. But it didn't last. After about 6 months I was let go. The side effects from the medication cocktail I was on made me incredibly drowsy and I couldn't perform basic tasks at work. Even driving to work was dangerous. I would be on the freeway and close my eyes and count to 5 and then open my eyes again, hoping that I didn't drift into another lane or have something else bad happen. I figured nothing bad could happen in 5 seconds, so that's how I got to work - driving in 5 seconds increments. I tried listening to loud music, opening all the windows, drinking lots of caffeine, and yet I still couldn't keep my eyes open on the road. Work was no different. I would fall asleep at my desk, I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't remember how to do simple things. It just wasn't working out. I was let go in March of 2026. Along with the job, I lost my insurance, and hence forth my doctors and access to medication.
Withdrawals from the meds were terrible. Everyone knows you shouldn't quit psych meds cold turkey, but I didn't have choice, I ran out of meds and had no way to get more. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, had the urge to constantly move and couldn't relax. But after that wore of (maybe a month later) I started to feel AMAZING!!
I had energy, I had life, I had that spark that you don't realize you have until it's missing. I was convinced all my doctors over all those years were wrong. I knew better than all of them. I was definitely misdiagnosed. How could someone feel so great off meds who was still actually ill?? I also had emotions again for the first time in years. My wife said to me "you're different now" and I asked in what way, and she said "you have emotions now". And she was right. I cried at tv commercials, I got frustrated over things, I was happy and excited. I didn't know how to deal with those emotions because it had been so long since I had felt them.
I got a new job at the Sheraton Marina and Resort in April. It has been an amazing blessing. I have excellent benefits that kicked in after my probationary period at the end of July. I was still feeling good. Still had energy. Still had that spark I thought was lost for good. I set up appointments with a new psychiatrist and therapist, just to establish care. I felt great when I went to these first appointments, but it was very soon after that I started to experience some symptoms: the feeling that the FBI was after me, that my thoughts were being broadcast to people, that license plates were secret coded messages to me. Then the voices started back up. Frederick. You might remember him from my first post in this blog. Well, let me tell you, he found me somehow and was not a happy spirit. He would tell me horrible things like that I was a useless human, that I was stupid and not loved by anyone, and other things like that. I hated him, but as I've said in other posts, the relationship we share is complicated. I hate him, but I also love him, need him, get concerned whe he doesn't talk to me for a while. I equate it to someone being kidnapped, and over time comes to rely on their captor and doesn't run away from them and stays and it's just a huge mind fuck (excuse my language). But that's how Frederick is for me. I hate him, but I also don't hate him. It's weird.
Anyways, after a few weeks of progressively worsening symptoms, I had a major psychotic break. I got Denise off to work as usual, went back to bed to try to sleep (I hadn't slept hardly at all since coming off meds in March). Instead, Frederick had other plans. He told me that I needed to kill myself and become a spirit with him, because he was the only one that truly loved me and cared for me. He said to kill myself or he would take over my body and kill me anyways, in some horrific way and that I would suffer. So I opted to kill myself by ingesting a whole bottle of benedryl. I'd just got to sleep and not wake up. Peaceful. No pain. But I didn't want to die. I was panicking and in the midst of my panic, Denise showed up back at home. Apparently I had written an email to my old therapist and she called Denise and told her to call 911 immediately and to get home as soon as possible. So Denise saved me from following through with the benedryl plan.
Police were called, I was taken in handcuffs to a crisis stabilization unit nearby and was drugged up when I got there. I didn't know where I was, Denise didn't know where I was, it was all very scary and overwhelming. I was transferred to a psychiatric hospital late the next day. I was starting to gain some insight back by this time, though I was far from being well.
The hospital was like a mix of summer camp and prison. It was strict, no phones, computers, and to top it all off I was on a 5150 hold (an involuntary hold that means you can't leave for 72 hours even if you wanted to) so I couldn't go down to the cafeteria for my meals with everyone else. Everything was locked up, including my toothbrush, hairbrush, and deodorant. I'm not sure why those items had to be locked up, like maybe I might try to put some Ocean Fresh deodorant on someone in the middle of the night?? Who knows. I do know Denise visited me every single night from 6:00-7:30. She even snuck me in a cookie! I did a lot of coloring and reading. They adjusted my meds, put me back on clozapine and haldol, which I wasn't thrilled about because that combo had made me so drowsy before. I couldn't risk losing my new job because of being drowsy. But what choice did I have? It was that, or deal with life threatening voices.
So here we are, out of the hospital and back to work. I've been really drowsy, but am taking meds at night before bedtime to help lessen he drowsiness during the day. So far so good. I'm currently enrolled in an IOP (intensive outpatient program) that I'm doing for the next 3 weeks. It's been helpful so far. And I have a new therapist that I'm working with weekly as well. Hopefully, between the meds and the therapy, it'll be enough to keep me out of the hospital for a while.
So that's the long update. Maybe I should write more often so these posts don't get so lengthy.
Happy Friday everyone.
Until next time.
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